Things people usually ask me when I say the above statement:
Q: Who is Doctor Helpful?
A: I just told you, are you braindead or something?
Q: What are you a doctor in?
A: Adviceology.
Q: And what exactly do you do?
A: I give people advice about various things from their daily lives. Everything from career advice, marriage advice, and even advice on when to take the roast of the oven (give it another five minutes).
Q: How accurate is your advice?
A: My Advisory Accuracy Index (AAI, a special certification grade given to all professional advisers based on how accurate and useful their advice is on average. If another so-called advice guru doesn't mention their AAI, avoid them! They're likely frauds or have a low score). Is a 96.2, which is the highest possible in the AAI. In other words, it's always accurate. Compare this to my leading competitor, Doctor Stupid (AAI 83.1) and Doctor Phil (AAI 0.0).
Q: And how can I obtain your fantastic advice?
A: My face-to-face advisory appointments are booked 27 years in advance and cost upwards to 5 billion dollars depending on the client's credit rating. However, being the generous advice guru I am, I am willing to give advice to people FOR FREE (a 5 billion dollar offer, mind you) by emailing me at AskDoctorHelpful@gmail.com
Q: A/S/L?
A: Your Ideal Age/Frequently/Everywhere.
Q: Do you have any other qualifications?
A: I am a 7th degree black belt in Judo, a 12th degree black belt in Jiu-Jitsu (both traditional and Brazilian), certified paramedic, 34th Degree Mason (that's right, there's another degree above 33), and unofficial world record holder for Rock Band 2 "Painkiller" on solo expert on guitar.
Sternness need to pull out the grammar stick that is so firmly wedged in his ass.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, here is a question:
Why is the sky blue?
Please use the email from now on but I'll answer that (AND MORE... well, one more for now anyway)later today on my next column.
ReplyDeleteMy bad. :(
ReplyDelete