8/13/2010

Dear Doctor Helpful,

Doctor Helpful, where can I locate the Department of Redundancy Deparment?

-Chuck The Woodchuck

Well Chuck, first you have to get in your car. Then you have start your car. Most people get halfway to the department without starting their car, and feel absolutely silly. After getting in and starting your car, you have to make a drive to Kansas City, Kansas. Then drive to Walla Walla, Washington, then back to Kansas City Kansas. Then you take a right. And another right. And then another right. After one more right, take another right and it should be on your left, next to the ATM Machines and the Christians for Jesus center. Also watch for the pretentious emo kids and the talentless rappers.


Dear Doctor Helpful,

Where does chocolate milk come from?

- Hyde Rocloud

Some people will tell you that asking this kind of question is just asking to never want to drink chocolate milk again. These people are idiots. After all, as we found out in the legendary cookbook The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, hot dogs are made from blood, entrails, and other leftover parts of animals that weren't used in making other meat products. Makes me hungry just thinking about it. So logicially chocolate milk would have a similar origin, and it just so happens that it does.

It all starts with the one part of the cow not used in beef or hot dogs: the bones. The bones are crushed into a fine powder, marrow and all, put into a kiln to be heated to just the right temperature. The next step requires that noblest of professions and one of the most popular Olympic sports: necromancy. Every chocolate milk company hires a group of five to thirteen necromancers to seek out the graves of the recently departed, preferably children under the age of ten, and use their rituals to trap their souls in a masonry jar. The harvested souls are then taken back to the factory, and quick-frozen with liquid nitrogen then crushed and melted into liquid form, as because as we all know souls are gaseous in their natural state. Then they take milk from not the cow, whose milk is actually poor in nutrients, but the gorilla. The recipe changes from company to company, but the ratio is usually one cup of crushed cow bones and one human soul for every two cups gorilla milk, and this yeilds about a quart after the pasteurization process, which is basically a fancy way of saying they add copious amounts of human growth hormone.

And that's all the time I have for today, folks, as I suddenly have a craving for hot dogs and chocolate milk. Until next time, remember: Don't throw away those Canadian pennies you accidentally get as change, because very soon they'll be worth a hundred American dollars.