Dear Doctor Helpful,
Doctor Helpful, where can I locate the Department of Redundancy Deparment?
-Chuck The Woodchuck
Well Chuck, first you have to get in your car. Then you have start your car. Most people get halfway to the department without starting their car, and feel absolutely silly. After getting in and starting your car, you have to make a drive to Kansas City, Kansas. Then drive to Walla Walla, Washington, then back to Kansas City Kansas. Then you take a right. And another right. And then another right. After one more right, take another right and it should be on your left, next to the ATM Machines and the Christians for Jesus center. Also watch for the pretentious emo kids and the talentless rappers.
Dear Doctor Helpful,
Where does chocolate milk come from?
- Hyde Rocloud
Some people will tell you that asking this kind of question is just asking to never want to drink chocolate milk again. These people are idiots. After all, as we found out in the legendary cookbook The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, hot dogs are made from blood, entrails, and other leftover parts of animals that weren't used in making other meat products. Makes me hungry just thinking about it. So logicially chocolate milk would have a similar origin, and it just so happens that it does.
It all starts with the one part of the cow not used in beef or hot dogs: the bones. The bones are crushed into a fine powder, marrow and all, put into a kiln to be heated to just the right temperature. The next step requires that noblest of professions and one of the most popular Olympic sports: necromancy. Every chocolate milk company hires a group of five to thirteen necromancers to seek out the graves of the recently departed, preferably children under the age of ten, and use their rituals to trap their souls in a masonry jar. The harvested souls are then taken back to the factory, and quick-frozen with liquid nitrogen then crushed and melted into liquid form, as because as we all know souls are gaseous in their natural state. Then they take milk from not the cow, whose milk is actually poor in nutrients, but the gorilla. The recipe changes from company to company, but the ratio is usually one cup of crushed cow bones and one human soul for every two cups gorilla milk, and this yeilds about a quart after the pasteurization process, which is basically a fancy way of saying they add copious amounts of human growth hormone.
And that's all the time I have for today, folks, as I suddenly have a craving for hot dogs and chocolate milk. Until next time, remember: Don't throw away those Canadian pennies you accidentally get as change, because very soon they'll be worth a hundred American dollars.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
8/12/2010
Thank you everyone for the questions, here's a couple of them I will be answering today.
Dear Doctor Helpful,
How is babby formed?
-Ty Gerswordington
Well, this happens to be right up my alley, Ty. As you all know, a babby is a crossbreed between two of nature's most ferocious and indiscriminate lovers: the rabbit, and the deer. The first babby bred in captivity was born in 1976 after an accident on a farm in rural Virginia involving a petting zoo, a tractor, and the state's annual Fire Tranquilizer Darts In The Air Festival. Further babbies were made in scientific centers in Switzerland, and for the longest time it was believed that babbies did not occur in nature. That is, of course, until the 2004 sighting of a full-grown female babby fighting off Godzilla.
Interestingly enough the babby gets serveral genetic traits not only from the rabbit and deer, but also the rabbit's genetic cousin which as any biologist will tell you is the crocodile. This is seen from the babby's most distinguishing features; long tail, wide snout, and of course laser beam eyes. Also, unlike most cross-species, the babby is fertile, so two babbies siring a new babby is not only possible but a proven fact, however such babbies are especially rare, due to the complicated nature of babby breeding. Babbies have three genders, male, female, and snogful. Males can only impregnate rabbits, females can only be impregnated by deer, and snogfuls can only reproduce with each other, however are sexually attracted not to other snogful but to male and female babbys in addition to, for reasons unknown, pygmy marmosets.
Fortunately our furry-and-sometimes-scaly friends have only one natural predator, the elkf, which of course is a crossbreed between an elf and an elk. Fortunately an elkf needs to use it's acid breath to kill and Babbies are hard to corner and thus capable of avoiding the wrath of the elkf's acid.
Dear Doctor Helpful,
Why is the sky blue?
-Zadewda Nyndys'v'n
Well, Zad, this is a mystery that has plagued mankind for millions of years. Ever since there was civilation there has been the mystery of why the sky is blue, not to mention powder blue, which is largely recognized as the worst color ever. Only recently have scientists found the answer to this mystery, and it's a surprisingly simple one.
It all starts with chromium, which as you know is the chief ingredient to crayons, magic markers, colored pencils, and most recently ramen noodles. But it has been recently discovered that this magical mineral, nonexistant in most lifeforms, composed 65% of the bodies of the most famous of all dinosaurs, the Optimusosaurus Prime. When the Optimusosauruses were destroyed in Battle of Hoth 64 Million Years Ago, their bodies were vapored en masse, causing the chromium in their bodies so soak into the atmosphere. The color was chosen by the original Ultimate Warrior, Kublai Khan.
An even stranger development in discovering this is that the sky has a message written upon it, also, amazingly, in powder blue (thus unreadable to the naked eye). Using the Hubble Telescope, and a professional translator, this message (written in an early form of Cantonese) says this:
"Dear Earthchildren,
I'm sick and tired of your shit, stop praying to me, I cancelled my voicemail box.
-God"
That's all the time I have for today, unfortunately. Thank you and keep writing!
Dear Doctor Helpful,
How is babby formed?
-Ty Gerswordington
Well, this happens to be right up my alley, Ty. As you all know, a babby is a crossbreed between two of nature's most ferocious and indiscriminate lovers: the rabbit, and the deer. The first babby bred in captivity was born in 1976 after an accident on a farm in rural Virginia involving a petting zoo, a tractor, and the state's annual Fire Tranquilizer Darts In The Air Festival. Further babbies were made in scientific centers in Switzerland, and for the longest time it was believed that babbies did not occur in nature. That is, of course, until the 2004 sighting of a full-grown female babby fighting off Godzilla.
Interestingly enough the babby gets serveral genetic traits not only from the rabbit and deer, but also the rabbit's genetic cousin which as any biologist will tell you is the crocodile. This is seen from the babby's most distinguishing features; long tail, wide snout, and of course laser beam eyes. Also, unlike most cross-species, the babby is fertile, so two babbies siring a new babby is not only possible but a proven fact, however such babbies are especially rare, due to the complicated nature of babby breeding. Babbies have three genders, male, female, and snogful. Males can only impregnate rabbits, females can only be impregnated by deer, and snogfuls can only reproduce with each other, however are sexually attracted not to other snogful but to male and female babbys in addition to, for reasons unknown, pygmy marmosets.
Fortunately our furry-and-sometimes-scaly friends have only one natural predator, the elkf, which of course is a crossbreed between an elf and an elk. Fortunately an elkf needs to use it's acid breath to kill and Babbies are hard to corner and thus capable of avoiding the wrath of the elkf's acid.
Dear Doctor Helpful,
Why is the sky blue?
-Zadewda Nyndys'v'n
Well, Zad, this is a mystery that has plagued mankind for millions of years. Ever since there was civilation there has been the mystery of why the sky is blue, not to mention powder blue, which is largely recognized as the worst color ever. Only recently have scientists found the answer to this mystery, and it's a surprisingly simple one.
It all starts with chromium, which as you know is the chief ingredient to crayons, magic markers, colored pencils, and most recently ramen noodles. But it has been recently discovered that this magical mineral, nonexistant in most lifeforms, composed 65% of the bodies of the most famous of all dinosaurs, the Optimusosaurus Prime. When the Optimusosauruses were destroyed in Battle of Hoth 64 Million Years Ago, their bodies were vapored en masse, causing the chromium in their bodies so soak into the atmosphere. The color was chosen by the original Ultimate Warrior, Kublai Khan.
An even stranger development in discovering this is that the sky has a message written upon it, also, amazingly, in powder blue (thus unreadable to the naked eye). Using the Hubble Telescope, and a professional translator, this message (written in an early form of Cantonese) says this:
"Dear Earthchildren,
I'm sick and tired of your shit, stop praying to me, I cancelled my voicemail box.
-God"
That's all the time I have for today, unfortunately. Thank you and keep writing!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Hello, I'm Doctor Helpful
Things people usually ask me when I say the above statement:
Q: Who is Doctor Helpful?
A: I just told you, are you braindead or something?
Q: What are you a doctor in?
A: Adviceology.
Q: And what exactly do you do?
A: I give people advice about various things from their daily lives. Everything from career advice, marriage advice, and even advice on when to take the roast of the oven (give it another five minutes).
Q: How accurate is your advice?
A: My Advisory Accuracy Index (AAI, a special certification grade given to all professional advisers based on how accurate and useful their advice is on average. If another so-called advice guru doesn't mention their AAI, avoid them! They're likely frauds or have a low score). Is a 96.2, which is the highest possible in the AAI. In other words, it's always accurate. Compare this to my leading competitor, Doctor Stupid (AAI 83.1) and Doctor Phil (AAI 0.0).
Q: And how can I obtain your fantastic advice?
A: My face-to-face advisory appointments are booked 27 years in advance and cost upwards to 5 billion dollars depending on the client's credit rating. However, being the generous advice guru I am, I am willing to give advice to people FOR FREE (a 5 billion dollar offer, mind you) by emailing me at AskDoctorHelpful@gmail.com
Q: A/S/L?
A: Your Ideal Age/Frequently/Everywhere.
Q: Do you have any other qualifications?
A: I am a 7th degree black belt in Judo, a 12th degree black belt in Jiu-Jitsu (both traditional and Brazilian), certified paramedic, 34th Degree Mason (that's right, there's another degree above 33), and unofficial world record holder for Rock Band 2 "Painkiller" on solo expert on guitar.
Q: Who is Doctor Helpful?
A: I just told you, are you braindead or something?
Q: What are you a doctor in?
A: Adviceology.
Q: And what exactly do you do?
A: I give people advice about various things from their daily lives. Everything from career advice, marriage advice, and even advice on when to take the roast of the oven (give it another five minutes).
Q: How accurate is your advice?
A: My Advisory Accuracy Index (AAI, a special certification grade given to all professional advisers based on how accurate and useful their advice is on average. If another so-called advice guru doesn't mention their AAI, avoid them! They're likely frauds or have a low score). Is a 96.2, which is the highest possible in the AAI. In other words, it's always accurate. Compare this to my leading competitor, Doctor Stupid (AAI 83.1) and Doctor Phil (AAI 0.0).
Q: And how can I obtain your fantastic advice?
A: My face-to-face advisory appointments are booked 27 years in advance and cost upwards to 5 billion dollars depending on the client's credit rating. However, being the generous advice guru I am, I am willing to give advice to people FOR FREE (a 5 billion dollar offer, mind you) by emailing me at AskDoctorHelpful@gmail.com
Q: A/S/L?
A: Your Ideal Age/Frequently/Everywhere.
Q: Do you have any other qualifications?
A: I am a 7th degree black belt in Judo, a 12th degree black belt in Jiu-Jitsu (both traditional and Brazilian), certified paramedic, 34th Degree Mason (that's right, there's another degree above 33), and unofficial world record holder for Rock Band 2 "Painkiller" on solo expert on guitar.
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